Guy Fakes, er….Fawkes!

5 Nov

Growing up and to this day, I’ve always heard from various relatives and sources that there’s a good chance that I – yes, me – am related to Guy Fawkes.

Don’t know who Guy Fawkes is? Well, many here in America don’t. But, if you lived in England you might be more clued in. Here’s what Wikipedia has to say about the fellow:

Guy Fawkes (13 April 1570 – 31 January 1606), also known as Guido Fawkes, the name he adopted while fighting for the Spanish in the low countries, belonged to a group of provincial English Catholics who planned the failed Gun Powder Plot of 1605.

Fawkes was born and educated in York. His father died when Fawkes was eight years old, after which his mother married a recusant Catholic. Fawkes later converted to Catholicism and left for the continent, where he fought in the Eighty Years War on the side of Catholic Spain against Protestant Dutch reformers. He travelled to Spain to seek support for a Catholic rebellion in England but was unsuccessful. He later met Thomas Wintour, with whom he returned to England.

Wintour introduced Fawkes to Robert Catesby, who planned to assassinate King James I and restore a Catholic monarch to the throne. The plotters secured the lease to an undercroft beneath House of Lords, and Fawkes was placed in charge of the gunpowder they stockpiled there. Prompted by the receipt of an anonymous letter, the authorities searched Westminster Palace during the early hours of 5 November, and found Fawkes guarding the explosives. Over the next few days, he was questioned and tortured, and eventually he broke. Immediately before his execution on 31 January, Fawkes jumped from the scaffold where he was to be hanged and broke his neck, thus avoiding the agony of the mutilation that followed.

Fawkes became synonymous with the Gunpowder Plot, the failure of which has been commemorated in England since 5 November 1605. His effigy is often burned on a bonfire, commonly accompanied by a firework display.

Is it true? Is this guy (Guy Fawkes, that is) a distant relative? Cool!

Okay, hold on there. I’m not too sure about the facts. After all, I didn’t look any of this up on, so who knows what the truth is.

BUT – from what I’ve been told – Fawkes, when translated, is Fakes. Which, if you think about it, could make some sense.

However, from what I do know, I’m mostly German. And this is an Englishman. Hmm….

So, why am I bringing this up now? Well, thanks to Occupy Wall Street and Halloween – if he IS a relative, I think I’m subject to some good royalty checks, considering my relative has the hottest mask on the market right now!

Check out some of these party pics from the last month or so:

Above: Thug Wall Street!

Above: Sporting the mustache! Very cool, bro!

Above: Hey, man, it’s backwards. Dumb shit.

Above: More party goers! Whoop-whoop!

Above: A couple of Fawkes next to their vacation cottages

Above: Um, what’s the message here, Mr. Fawkes? Awkward.


Above: Could this be further proof that I’m a relative of his? I’m indecisive, too!

Above: I’m starting to think these Fawkes are party bashers! Not cool!

Above: A Fawkes and his girlfriend? They might be going steadyor pickpocketed

Above: No, buddy, it goes ON the face. ON!

Above: Why isn’t the mask wearing anybody?

Above: Dataran – the name of the port-o-potty – and yes, it’s occupied

Above: “Kumbaya, my Lord. Kumbaya. EVERYBODY! I WANNA’ HEAR YOU! Kumbaya…”

Above: The Occupy Wall Street version of Mrs. O’Leary’s cow

Above: More party people!

Guy Fawkes mask incorporated has to be raking in the money. If this IS a relative of mine, I’m guessing that the translation of all of this is Guy Fakes mask – therefore, me – along with the rest of us Fakes’ (oh yes, there are quite a few of us) are really missing the boat. Should I get a lawyer?

I really need to get on this as soon as possible and make sure I’m related. With the holidays coming up, what kid WOULDN’T want a Guy Fakes mask? I can’t think of any.

Above: The PERFECT stocking-stuffer!

So, I’ll be doing some investigative work into this. I could even coin myself “The REAL Guy Fakes” if I needed to. But, baby steps. Let me find out if I even have a slice of history tying me into this mask-mega cash machine that was inspired by the one-and-only Mr. Guy Fawkes.

I’m expecting the royalty checks to be rolling in at any moment.

Copyright 2011 N. Fakes


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